I still don’t know exactly how to describe it.
I wasn’t feeling like myself.
But the main reason for that was that I couldn’t remember what feeling like myself felt like.
When I finally realised this, I had been a mother for about twenty months.
I had nine months of maternity leave which, while filled with moments of completely joy, was also filled with many trials and tribulations.
I went back to work at my two part time jobs and I retuned to university to study part time for my masters degree.
I went full steam ahead for a year.
And then, over the Christmas holidays, I stopped.
When there was no work and no study to keep me busy, I realised how lost I had become.
I wasn’t necessarily unhappy.
But I wasn’t happy either.
I was caught in a cycle of just going through the motions…getting through one task, looking up to see where I was and what I had to do next before quickly putting my head back down and getting on with the next thing.
The momentum of day to day activity prevented me from evaluating myself and the enjoyment I was getting out of life.
My life was one long to do list and most of my enjoyment stemmed from crossing things off…I felt like if I could just finish everything then I could relax and enjoy the moment.
Of course this never happened.
I think women expect motherhood to be challenging.
I think I was prepared for sleepless nights, tantrums, cuddling a sick baby for hours and hours on end, the tracks of crumbs spread from one end of the house to the other.
But what I wasn’t prepared for…and what I still haven’t come to terms with and I am not sure that I want to come to terms with…is the divide between myself as a woman and myself as a mother.
And the aspect of this that I struggle with most is that I cannot seem to remember what myself as a women felt…how did I react to things physically and emotionally?
I look back at pictures of myself and I can see myself smiling and I think to myself that I look happy but I wonder how I was actually feeling inside.
I want to recapture that women I see in pictures and indeed that woman that I remember being, but as I don’t remember how she was, I feel like I cannot.
And so I feel a bit trapped as a mother.
I want to be a woman too.
But I don’t remember how.
After a few discussions with my husband and good friend, I knew that this feeling wasn’t just going to go away on its own and that I had to try to get some help before life became busy again and I let another year go by in a barrage of tending to my toddler, work and study.
I went to an appointment with my GP. I tried to put into words how I was feeling. And I of course had a little cry.
My GP was lovely and caring and comforting.
She sent me off to get some blood work done as she wanted to rule out thyroid and liver as the source of my low energy levels and general haziness.
And she gave me a referral to a psychologist who deals with family issues including pre and post natal depression.
I am a person who likes a plan and once there was a plan in place I immediately felt better. Actually I think it had less to do with the plan and as much to do with confessing my feeling and having someone understand that it wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying being a mother…I truly love being a mother…but rather that I was perhaps mourning the loss of myself as a woman and wondering how I could recapture the essence of her.
What has come out of this that I have low iron. I am now on supplements and I have found that as a result my energy levels are improving and I don’t seem to get the terrible lows.
And I went to see the counsellor and while she doesn’t believe that I am clinically depressed…I don’t think I am either…it was wonderful to talk to someone who has no notions of me or expectations. Medicare gives substantial rebates for up to six visits and if you are feeling a bit low I would highly recommend seeing someone.
As I have had great success with natural medicine in the past I have made an appointment at a clinic that does both acupunture and naturopathy and am hoping that they can help me shake this fog.
I still struggle to put these thoughts and emotions into words but I suppose what I am trying to express is that depressions is a spectrum and really you don’t have to be officially diagnosed to be feeling low and in need of help.
When a baby is born you instantly get labelled with the name mother. But becoming a mother is more complicated than that…it takes time and experience and help. And as I am slowly discovering, becoming a mother does not mean sacrificing the woman you were before…I believe that it is possible to maintain both.
If you are feeling like motherhood is a battle and is more challenging or stressful than it should be, please reach out and get help.